Bend Over, Britain: Why the NHS Is Still Obsessed With Your Back Passage
The “finger test” is outdated, but my GP’s right index finger is still living her best life in 1983.
According to new reports, the humble, humbling and frankly humiliating prostate finger test has no role in diagnosing cancer anymore.
Which is odd, because according to my GP, who I’m fairly sure is Mr Bean’s miracle daughter, her right index finger had the diagnostic power of a NASA deep-space probe. She was adamant. Her pinky, no thicker than a Twiglet and about as medically helpful, would apparently provide more insight into my nether regions than blood, imaging or the entirety of modern science.
Not a PSA test. Not an MRI. Not even a politely worded questionnaire about my waterworks. Just her gloved digit, raised like a magic wand in an old Carry On film.
Now I’m no stranger to modern medicine. I’ve had more needles in me than a voodoo doll in a dartboard factory. But the idea that this young slip of a woman could detect a prostate issue with the grace and precision of a blindfolded mole seemed… optimistic.
So I said no. Politely. Then again. Then once more with a clench for emphasis. I declined until her latex glove gave up and went floppy with rejection. But it took months. A blood test? Far too efficient. She looked visibly wounded, like I’d just slapped her great-aunt and insulted her cauliflower soup.
Eventually, reluctantly, she conceded and arranged a PSA test. I celebrated quietly, mostly because I still wasn’t entirely convinced she wouldn’t sneak in a finger mid-consultation.
Now, finally science has caught up with what every man instinctively knows; sticking a finger up someone’s backside is not a reliable way to diagnose prostate cancer. It’s about as useful as diagnosing diabetes by licking someone’s flip-flops.
The British Association of Urological Surgeons and Prostate Cancer UK have come out swinging, calling for a proper update to NHS guidance. They’re asking the government to stop clinging to the 2016 playbook like it’s a national treasure. Because believe it or not, we now have options that don’t involve an unsolicited prostate polka.
PSA tests exist. They’re fast. They’re non-invasive. They don’t involve making eye contact with a doctor while your trousers are round your ankles.
Even better, if a PSA result is high, we now have MRI scans. Yes, actual machines. Machines that beep, whirr and flash. Machines that don’t require you to be in the foetal position, silently contemplating your life choices.
Yet one in three GPs are still enthusiastically offering rectal exams as the first port of call. That’s like checking your car’s oil level by licking the dipstick. Perhaps not the best analogy but it made me laugh… Unsurprisingly, it’s putting men off. Because nothing says “come back soon” like the threat of exploratory jazz hands.
Prostate cancer is the most common male cancer in the UK. It kills 12,000 men a year. It’s stealthier than a dodgy bladder on a long-haul flight and gives you no symptoms until your internal organs start filing noise complaints.
So why the obsession with The Finger? The PSA test isn’t perfect, but it’s a damn sight better than pretending we’re still diagnosing illness using Victorian seance techniques.
Worse still, current NHS guidance says men over 50 can ask for a PSA test; but GPs don’t have to offer one. It’s like being told you can have a free holiday, but only if you solve a cryptic crossword and whisper the answer into a bin marked “Suggestions.”
So to all the GPs still warming up their little fingers like they’re about to perform like a Polish composer on someone’s colon… it’s time.
Put the glove down. Pick up a syringe. Use a scanner. Embrace the future.
Let the bum retire in peace.
###
Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
----