Breaking News: Moving Your Legs Might Be Good for You – Again
Yes, it’s the same miracle cure they’ve been breathlessly announcing since dial-up internet. Only this time with PowerPoint slides and a bloke called Gareth in Lycra.
Every year, sometimes twice if the tabloids are feeling especially lazy, a miraculous revelation hits the headlines with all the subtlety of a marching band on Red Bull. “Exercise better than drugs for cancer survival” they shout, as if they’ve just discovered fire. Or toast. Every time we’re expected to gasp, clutch our phone and spit out our kale smoothies in amazement.
My point and I say this as someone who’s personally tangoed with cancer; this is not news. This story’s been bouncing around like a Space Hopper at a toddler’s birthday party since before I’d even heard of chemo many years ago. When I was undergoing my own treatment; the sort involving bags dripping slowly for hours via Hickman line; enough to fill a swimming pool… and the sort of fatigue that makes you question whether your duvet has developed a gravitational pull… I remember reading articles just like this. “Exercise helps chemo work better,” they promised, as if running a few laps could somehow turn you into Usain Bolt or Mo Farah!
Let’s be honest, if someone told you that a bit of walking could help you not die of cancer, you’d do it. You’d get out there in your Lycra quicker than you can say peloton. But of course, what they don’t mention, these bright-eyed academics with their perky PowerPoints, is that exercising during chemo is slightly more difficult than they make it sound.
Some days during my treatment, I could barely get out of bed, let alone do a 10k power walk with a personal trainer called Gareth shouting encouragement through clenched teeth. So when I could, I did get out. I walked along the beach. I cycled through the streets where I lived at the time. Yes, my late mum frowned at me like I was trying to cycle up Everest wearing flip-flops. But I did it because I knew, somewhere in the background noise of cancer stats and clinic visits, that exercise might actually help. It was better than doing nothing and then complaining.
Now years later, the research has finally caught up with common sense. A study announced at the big-deal ASCO cancer conference has revealed that people with colon cancer who followed a structured exercise programme were 37% less likely to die in the next eight years. That’s huge. Genuinely huge. Like, cancel-a-Netflix-series-to-cover-it huge.
But again, this isn’t news. This is old news, warmed up and served like leftover lasagne. We’ve seen this story before. It just keeps getting a fresh headline, like turmeric, or CBD oil, or whatever Gwyneth Paltrow’s rubbing on herself this week.
The researchers claim this exercise programme was better than a drug. Better! No hair loss. No nausea. No hospital beds. Just some brisk walks, a bit of huffing and puffing, and a personal trainer. Honestly, it’s the first time in medical history that something effective didn’t cost more than a used Porsche with workout brake pads.
But what this study really tells us is that sometimes, the simplest things, like walking, cycling, not turning into a slug glued to a sofa; might actually save your life. Yes, it’s not glamorous. There’s no secret Amazonian root extract. No powdered shark fin blessed by monks. Just good honest movement.
Of course some of the media coverage is acting like we’ve just discovered a magic pill. But exercise is not new. What is new is the fact someone’s finally got enough funding and PowerPoint slides to make health ministers pay attention.
It turns out that, unlike miracle cures involving apricot kernels, goat placenta, or holding quartz crystals under your armpits during a full moon, this one actually works. It’s affordable. It’s accessible. Also best of all, it doesn’t require you to sign up to a weird cult in California or eat fermented yak butter.
So yes, hats off to the researchers. This is solid science. But next time a journalist starts shouting “EXERCISE CURES CANCER!” as if they’ve just found Atlantis, remember this, they said that last year. And the year before. And when I had cancer, they said it then too.
The only real surprise is that they’re still surprised.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a walk. Not because it’s headline-worthy, but because I’ve still got biscuits to burn off from 2017.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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