Britain’s 28-Billion Cigarette Habit: Proof That Common Sense Has Left the Chat
Lighting up despite cancer warnings, autopsy-packaging, and wallet-busting prices? Welcome to the UK, where adults proudly reject logic one puff at a time.
Last Tuesday, I watched a man outside the post office light a cigarette, cough so violently he looked like he was about to eject a lung, then light another one with the still-smouldering stump of the first. I assumed it was a street performance about mortality. But no; just Tuesday in Britain.
I’ve previously spoken to people who were smoking, politely explaining that if I could get cancer without ever smoking, they definitely could. But the last time I said something to a group of teenagers, it got ugly. I like my teeth, so I said nothing this time. He was old enough and ugly enough to know better.
Apparently according to new figures, we are collectively puffing through 28.6 billion cigarettes a year. That’s 78 million a day. Which means for every health-conscious vegan munching on kale, someone else is chain-smoking like it’s the 1960s and their therapist told them feelings can be exhaled.
Now, I don’t want to be the fun police. I love a bit of reckless adult behaviour. I’ve consumed food from petrol stations and once tried paddleboarding during a gale. But let’s be clear. Smoking is the one activity where you literally pay for the privilege of slowly suffocating yourself. It’s like being mugged, handing over your wallet and then saying, “Would you like a kidney while you’re at it?”
We are told the average smoker gets through ten cigarettes a day, and that people in deprived areas smoke even more; around eleven daily. Which begs the obvious question… has anyone ever thought to link social deprivation with public health outcomes? Oh wait, we did that in 1972. Then we filed it under “Too Difficult” and moved on to arguing over cheese exports.
Cigarette packs now look like they were designed by a horror film director with access to autopsy photos. They feature diseased lungs, yellow teeth, dead babies, and something that might be a spleen, or possibly a rotting mango. Still, none of it works. Smokers just shrug, mutter something about stress and spark up another one.
We’ve even tried the economic route. Slap a tenner tax on a box, fund the NHS, job done. Except as always, common sense went on a break and never returned. Because the people smoking the most are the ones who can least afford it, creating a sort of nicotine-fuelled poverty feedback loop. It’s like buying a new sofa on credit while the bailiffs are already wheeling your fridge out the door.
Cancer Research UK says 550 million cigarettes are smoked every week; enough to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Although, unlike chlorine the only thing they kill is you.
Of course, the boffins at UCL also threw in a fun environmental twist. Apparently cigarette butts are now one of the largest forms of plastic pollution in the world. That means the average smoker isn’t just poisoning their lungs. They’re also leaving a toxic breadcrumb trail for turtles and toddlers alike. Genius.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “But smoking is a choice!” Is it though? Or is it addiction dressed up as rebellion, served with a side of self-delusion? Because if lighting a fire an inch from your face, sucking poison into your lungs, then repeating it 200 times a week despite knowing it causes death was a rational adult choice, then I’d like to suggest letting toddlers handle fireworks. At least they wear helmets.
Naturally, our politicians are stepping in with all the urgency of a snail on sedatives. The Tobacco and Vapes Bill, which could stop future generations from smoking, is sitting in Parliament like a cold cup of tea. Hazel Cheeseman, not a Wallace & Gromit character but a real person with a real job, says 6.7 billion cigarettes have been smoked since the last debate. That’s more than the number of functioning neurons in the House of Commons.
So what now? Do we keep handing out taxpayer-funded treatment to people actively ignoring decades of warnings? Or do we finally admit that stamping out smoking requires more than slapping graphic images on a box and hoping logic kicks in?
Maybe we should treat smokers the way we treat people who lick electric fences. Offer help once, twice if we’re kind, but after that, you’re on your own sunshine!
Because when dying, financial ruin and lungs that sound like they’ve been through a cement mixer still aren’t enough to make you quit, perhaps it’s time to accept what evolutionary biologists have known for centuries.
Some people simply prefer the scenic route… even if it ends in a hearse.
So if you’re reading this, ashtray in hand, wondering if it’s too late to quit; it isn’t. You get one life. Don’t let it go up in smoke like common sense did years ago.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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