From GP to CCP:
How Your NHS Data Took a One-Way Trip to Beijing.
Oh bravo, NHS. Really. Just when I thought the most invasive thing they’d do was ask me to leave a Google review after a colonoscopy… “five stars, would recommend the camera up my backside again”… they pull this absolute stunner; flogging off our most intimate medical secrets to China.
Yes, China. You know, the country currently banned from TikTok data access by the ever-paranoid Americans. And let’s just pause on that for a second. The Americans. The same fine folks who sell you chicken washed in bleach and call it “farm fresh.” The people who happily hand your personal data over to advertisers so fast it creates a small vortex in your phone. Even they think handing over medical data is a step too far. But us? Oh no. We’re Britain. We’ll just quietly hand it over, muttering, “Sorry, is this the correct format for exporting your rash history and sexual dysfunctions in a spreadsheet?”
Apparently, over 500,000 NHS records… anonymised, of course, because that word now means “definitely safe, pinky promise”… are going into the UK Biobank’s central database. And guess who gets access? Everyone from Oxford to bloody Shenzhen. The Chinese researchers have already submitted 265 successful applications. Second only to the US, naturally, because if there’s one thing we export more efficiently than tea and sarcasm, it’s patient confidentiality.
And don’t worry, it’s all perfectly fine because “no one has ever been identified.” I mean, except for, you know, the minor detail that the Chinese government passed a law in 2017 requiring every citizen to cooperate with state intelligence services. But hey… what’s a bit of light surveillance between friends?
Let me put it in terms we can all understand; the NHS is now acting like Heathrow Airport. You log onto their Wi-Fi for two minutes between flights and next thing you know you’re being spammed by Duty Free Deals offering you two bottles of Smirnoff and a mystery perfume that smells like heartbreak. Except instead of perfume, you’re going to start getting emails suggesting the latest deals on Viagra, foot fungus cream, and a suspiciously specific offer on hair loss medication.
Oh, and before anyone pipes up with the “but science!” argument… yes, yes, of course, research is important. Life-saving even. There’s a valid point that somewhere, someone with a PhD and an Excel fetish might spot a data pattern that helps fight cancer or dementia. But we don’t need to post it to Beijing with a complimentary teabag and say “knock yourselves out.” We’ve got perfectly good, miserable British school kids right here! Give them a project. They’re already being forced to learn trigonometry while half-asleep. Let them save the NHS before lunchtime.
We’re the nation that gave the world the stiff upper lip and the passive-aggressive post-it note. Privacy is basically our national identity. Yet somehow, we’re more worried about someone seeing our Tesco Clubcard balance than our entire medical history landing in a server room in Shanghai.
And look, the UK Biobank is very proud of its “robust processes”… and that’s great. I’m sure the servers have firewalls thicker than a Bake Off contestant’s soggy bottom. But how about we just not share it with a country that’s been flagged by MI5 for potentially using data in the repression of minorities? Just a thought.
In conclusion, if we’re going to be sold out, can we at least get some frequent flyer miles in return? Or maybe a nice “Data Donor” badge to wear with our NHS number tattooed on the back? No? Just me?
Right then. Pass the Brut 44. Apparently, it’s now my signature scent.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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