Hallelujah! A Cancer Story That Isn’t About Waiting Lists
— And It’s Actually Good News
Now this is the kind of headline that makes you want to leap out of bed and shout, “YES, NHS!” instead of muttering something unspeakable about another 9-month wait for a consultant who probably retired three years ago.
Today, folks, we’re talking about actual progress. Real, measurable, cancer-thrashing, science-backed hope. And for once, no one’s trying to solve it by installing another app that no one will use or throwing around the word “streamlining” like it’s a magic spell.
The NHS is trialling a blood test… yes, a blood test… for detecting bowel cancer, and honestly, as a cancer survivor myself, I can tell you this is the sort of innovation that doesn’t just change outcomes… it changes lives. No more relying solely on cameras being inserted into places the sun don’t shine, or biopsies that leave you wondering if you’re being tested for cancer or auditioning for an episode of 24 Hours in A&E.
This new test uses AI (of course it does, everything uses AI now… I half-expect my toaster to start diagnosing me next week) to analyse teeny fragments of genetic material called microRNA. Apparently, it’s so accurate it makes a lie detector test look like a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Early results showed 99% accuracy in detecting twelve different types of cancer, including bowel and breast. I mean, come on — that’s better than my success rate trying to remember where I parked the car.
And here’s the kicker: the trial involves 8,000 NHS patients and could soon become part of routine care. That’s right, routine. As in, the same way we all pretend to floss daily and book our flu jabs three months too late.
The best part? This blood test called miONCO-Dx… could actually replace some of the more invasive procedures. No more prepping for colonoscopies like you’re about to enter the Hunger Games. No more biopsies that sound suspiciously like DIY home projects. Just ten to fifteen drops of blood, and Bob’s your uncle.
Now, let’s take a moment to talk about that name: miONCO-Dx. I’m sorry, what? Sounds like someone sneezed on a keyboard during a branding meeting. If we’re going to give patients hope, maybe we could also give them a name that doesn’t sound like a rejected Star Wars droid. Honestly, Holland & Barrett should be in charge of naming these things. Say what you like about their overpriced elderberry chewables, but at least their product names rhyme, sparkle and sound vaguely edible.
Imagine the possibilities:
• Tumour Zapper 3000
• Bowel Blaster Drops
• Tummy Tidy Test
• The Early-Bird Biopsy Buddy
• Or my personal favourite: Gutsy Guardian Gold
I mean, who wouldn’t queue up for that?
But jokes aside, and yes, I know I rarely leave them aside… this is exactly the kind of initiative that should be splashed across billboards and talked about in every GP’s waiting room (preferably while you’re stuck there listening to Enya for 45 minutes). We talk so much about “managing” cancer like it’s an annoying weekend visitor who won’t leave, rather than the uninvited party-crasher it really is. But here’s a real shot at stopping it before it even finds the front door.
We’ve eradicated smallpox, we’ve tamed polio, we even figured out how to slice bread and fly to the moon. It’s high time we put cancer on the same hit list. But to do that, we need to give more attention, funding, and energy to these kinds of innovations… not just reshuffling admin departments or debating whether AI should also make tea.
This trial reminds us what modern medicine is supposed to look like: fast, accurate, patient-friendly, and, for once, a bit bloody hopeful.
So yes, hallelujah indeed. Not just for a test, but for a future where the word “cancer” comes with more solutions than sorrow. Now, someone get Holland & Barrett on the phone. We’ve got rebranding to do.
###
Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
----