NHS Waiting Lists? Just Delete Them – Problem Solved!
More Forms, Fewer Fixes — Welcome to Referral Hunger Games!
Well, brace yourselves… the government has cooked up a genius new plan to tackle NHS waiting lists. No, not by doing anything radical like hiring more doctors or heaven forbid, reducing pointless management. Instead, they’re rolling out the medical equivalent of “Can I speak to your manager?”… an £80 million scheme where GPs must now ask permission from a so-called specialist before daring to refer you for actual treatment.
Because obviously, what we really needed wasn’t more staff or faster appointments… it was more middlemen.
Here’s the idea, instead of your GP sending you straight to a consultant when you’ve got, say a lump somewhere suspicious or a mysterious ear thing that whistles like a kettle, they’ll now ring up (or probably send a lovely online form) to a specialist for “advice.” And if that specialist… who’s probably drowning in a few thousand queries already… decides you’re not quite dying enough for their taste, congratulations! You’ve just won a ticket to Community Services Limbo… where you can enjoy six to twelve months of half-hearted physio or thrilling blood tests at your local surgery.
Ministers, smiling bravely from their ivory towers, claim this will “stop masses of people” from wasting time with “unnecessary hospital appointments.” Because obviously you thought it would be hilarious to sit around five hours in a plastic chair at ENT just for the fun of it. Silly patient.
According to the Department of Health and Social Care (DHSC), the lucky winners of this medical Hunger Games include women struggling with menopause symptoms… you know, the kind of thing that already gets brushed off as “just a bit of a change dear”… and people with ear, nose, and throat issues. Perfect. Because if there’s anything less deserving of specialist help, it’s people trying to breathe, hear or swallow.
They’re hoping this “Advice and Guidance” scheme will divert a whopping two million patients by the end of 2025/26. Which is basically code for “We have absolutely no hope of fixing this properly, so let’s just make sure fewer people even get onto the waiting lists in the first place.”
But hey, GPs get a £20 bonus every time they consult a specialist instead of referring you! Nothing screams “best medical decision for the patient” quite like a cheeky cash incentive, does it?
The DHSC is very proud that between July and December last year, about 660,000 treatments were “diverted” from hospitals. (Note the charming use of the word “diverted,” like we’re rerouting traffic around a sinkhole rather than people in actual pain.)
Professor Kamila Hawthorne, speaking from the Royal College of GPs, praised the funding… but quickly added that GP services will need “capacity to accommodate the shift.” Translation, we’re already drowning, but thanks for throwing us an extra anvil.
Now look, maybe I’m being cynical. Maybe just maybe, playing a never-ending game of “Ask the Specialist” will somehow magically fix a broken system without any extra doctors, nurses or equipment. Maybe endless online forms and iPhone apps will one day solve the UK’s health crisis. (They haven’t yet.)
But here’s a wild thought… if we want to cut waiting lists, why not just delete them altogether? Like supermarket “self-checkout” but for healthcare… a free-for-all where you just grab a crutch and hope for the best. Need a scan? Grab one off aisle three. Surgery? Just pop yourself onto the table… it’ll be fine.
Or, and I know this sounds crazy, we could actually employ more staff instead of building yet more layers of admin, approval processes, and stalling tactics so desperate, you’d swear they were hoping some patients just quietly disappear (or die) before they ever get seen.
Because frankly, after a few months of battling the “advice” system, some might just be tempted to.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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