“No More Boners 5000”: NHS Asked to Chemically Castrate Sex Offenders, Because Obviously That’s a Doctor’s Job Now
While you still can’t get a GP appointment for your cancer scan, the government wants NHS doctors to moonlight as libido assassins. This is Britain 2025—where the stethoscope meets the state syringe.
This week, I read a headline that made me literally spit out my coffee. And not just any coffee… I’m talking piping hot, artisan-roasted, hand-ground, oat-milk-flat-white nonsense that cost more than a small hatchback in the ’90s. One minute I was sipping smugly, the next I was covering my cat Theo in a fine mist of Colombian despair.
It’s the kind of headline that makes you check it’s not April Fools’ before realising, with a mix of horror and disbelief, that no… this is Britain in 2025. The NHS… the same institution where milk turns into cheese faster than you can get a GP appointment; is now being asked to chemically castrate sex offenders. Because obviously, if you can’t cure a cold in under six weeks, you might as well start handing out hormone-suppressing cocktails like it’s Happy Hour in a Wetherspoons pub.
Yes. Castration. With chemicals. Presumably just after finishing their shift in A&E with three nurses, a mop and a defibrillator held together with duct tape and hope.
Now let me just say, before the moral outrage brigade loads their hashtags and hurls them at me like digital manure; sex offenders are despicable. But asking our already crumbling health service to start doling out libido-killing cocktails to paedophiles is a bit like asking a fireman to iron your shirts. It might technically be doable, but it’s not really why they joined the job.
Doctors, you see, tend to spend the better part of a decade learning how to save lives. Not sterilise rapists on demand like some mad science fair experiment. Imagine walking into a hospital in agony, clutching your abdomen and being told, “Terribly sorry, we can’t fit you in for your cancer scan today; Dr Patel’s busy injecting Jeff the Molester with a syringe full of ‘No More Boners 5000’.”
And the irony? Oh, it’s thick enough to spread on my sourdough toast. The same doctors who can legally sterilise a confused 14-year-old who’s decided they’re now Kevin instead of Katie, are suddenly wringing their hands at the ethical dilemma of chemically neutering a convicted sex offender. One is “affirming healthcare”, the other is “state-sanctioned oppression”. I can’t keep up.
Look, when I bred Dexter cows… yes, I once lived a life involving bovine testicles, don’t ask! The vet didn’t hold a two-hour ethics seminar before whipping out the castration bands. He popped one on, the bull calf wandered off with a new perspective on life and two weeks later, a lucky fox found a protein-packed breakfast. Efficient, simple and strangely satisfying.
But now, in the land of endless parliamentary backslapping and “inclusive justice”, we’ve got ministers suggesting we section sex offenders under the Mental Health Act just to jab them full of chemical calm-down juice. This is the same Mental Health Act already so overburdened it takes six months just to be assessed if you’re suicidal. But now it’s being hijacked by people who want to turn hospitals into hormone factories for perverts.
And of course, this is all happening while the justice system has the structural integrity of a wet cardboard canoe. Prisoners are being released after a third of their sentences. Rapists, muggers are all getting an early pass out of jail. The government’s answer? Let’s distract the public by cooking up plans that sound tough, while being legally impossible and logistically bonkers.
Doctors shouldn’t be social control officers. They aren’t there to do the government’s dirty work because some spin doctor thinks it’ll look good in The Daily Mail. They’re already exhausted, underpaid and asked to fix everything from your bad back to your existential dread. Now they’ve got to be moral executioners too?
What next? Surgeons doing community service amputations? GPs issuing parking tickets?
There are chemicals that make sense in society. Bleach, for example, keeps your toilet bowl fresh. Caffeine gets you through Monday. And a bit of whisky helps you forget it all. But using pharmaceutical warfare to control society’s darkest instincts via NHS prescription pads? That’s not just dangerous… it’s madness wrapped in bureaucracy, garnished with idiocy and served cold with a side of judicial cowardice.
Now, before someone hurls a Twitter brick through my inbox, I’m not saying these monsters don’t deserve consequences. They do. I’d happily volunteer the bricks and bandages if it helped. But stop treating our health service like it’s some Swiss Army knife of state dysfunction.
We need the NHS appointments to save lives… not neuter them.
That, dear reader, is not what the doctor ordered!
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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