Sexing Up the Sprouts: The Government’s Latest Fantasy Ad Campaign Because nothing says “seduction” like a parsnip in slow motion and a whispery voiceover about fibre!

Forget banning junk food; ministers now think a flirtatious courgette can cure obesity. Unless broccoli starts pole dancing or comes battered with chips, Britain isn’t biting.

Last week, while chewing on a triple cheeseburger that had absolutely no intention of making it to my large intestine without a defibrillator, I saw a headline that made me choke on a gherkin. Apparently, the government is planning to tax junk food adverts in order to fund a campaign that makes fruit and vegetables sexy. Yes, sexy. Like lacy carrot ling…