Snake Oil & Side Effects: How Cuttlefish, Crystals and Colonics Are Killing Common Sense!
Why cancer patients are being lured from hospitals to hashtags; and what I’ve learned rummaging through the steaming compost heap of so-called ‘miracle’ cures.
Now, those of you who read my column regularly, the both of you, will know that ever since I completed my cancer treatment many years ago (a delightful cocktail of chemo, radiotherapy and procedures that made medieval torture look like a spa weekend), I’ve developed what Mrs G delicately refers to as “an obsession.” Less delicately, she once called it “a hobby for the terminally gullible.”
But it’s not pilates. Or gluten-free anything. Or clapping at sunsets while sipping fermented celery shots. No, my obsession is poking around the murky underworld of miracle cancer cures, otherwise known as DIY oncology kits. Imagine Indiana Jones, but grey, slightly irritated and wading through snake oil instead of sand.
Because trust me, the jungle is real and it’s full of bark powders, goat enzymes and something called “activated” sea moss; which I can only assume means it glows in the dark. One chap, let’s call him Colin McClaptrap, told me his aunt survived terminal cancer thanks to the telepathic healing power of a cuttlefish. A cuttlefish. Not immunotherapy. Not a drug trial. Just an annoyed-looking sea pancake with tentacles and apparently a medical degree.
It’s nonsense. All of it. Dangerous, expensive, soul-destroying nonsense, sold by people who think a YouTube channel makes them a clinician and a Bali yoga retreat counts as clinical research.
All of these remedies prey on the vulnerable. Specifically, the freshly diagnosed, those moments after hearing the words “it’s terminal,” when your brain turns to scrambled eggs and you’d believe a Weetabix could save your life if it were organic and aligned with Venus. That’s when the snake oil sales force pounces, offering £49.99 miracle-in-a-mug remedies with a free ebook and a one-way ticket to bankruptcy.
So I have been cataloguing them, writing about them, researching them, thousands of them. Not like a conspiracy theorist wearing tinfoil and shouting at pigeons. I approached it properly, with actual logic, seeking expert opinions; and enough common sense to recognise that Himalayan salt is not chemotherapy in disguise.
The result is a manual of medical mayhem, featuring everything from garlic suppositories to goat-based chakra realignment. It might sound bonkers, but beneath the satire lies something serious. It’s hard-earned, potentially life-saving guidance that could protect others from quacks, crooks, and catastrophically expensive nonsense.
That said, not everything in the alternative aisle belongs in the bin. Some complementary therapies really can make people feel more comfortable, boost energy levels, ease side effects; and even help conventional treatments do their job a little more effectively. The key is knowing what’s helpful… and what’s just Himalayan horsewash wrapped in hope.
Naturally, I’ve been playing with titles also. Should this sprawling monster ever make it to print, it’ll live somewhere between Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle Catalogue and How to Heal with Coconuts. Possible options include The Tumour-Tickling Handbook, Stuff That Probably Won’t Kill You But Smells Like It Might, or Snake Oil & Side Effects. None I’m confident to suggest to a publisher just yet.
You’d think nobody would fall for this crazy hope-in-a-jar nonsense, disguised as a cure. But then along comes TikTok. The platform where teenagers dance next to hashtags like #TumourBeGone, while someone called SpiritualSusan420 earnestly explains how to cure leukaemia using nothing but beetroot, positive vibes; and a healing crystal that looks suspiciously like a novelty paperweight from Blackpool.
It’d be hilarious, if it weren’t for the small detail that some of these tumour-taming tonics are actually killing people.
According to actual real oncologists, you know people with qualifications and stethoscopes, a rising number of patients are now rejecting proper, life-saving treatments in favour of what I can only describe as homeopathic fantasy roleplay. They’re swapping chemotherapy for diets so restrictive even Gwyneth Paltrow would raise an eyebrow. They’re choosing colonics, coffee enemas and reiki over radiotherapy; convinced that a bit of candlelit detoxing will scare the tumours away.
It doesn’t.
Now a real doctor with actual patients and a job title longer than a Harry Potter book, told me she’s lost patients who abandoned proper treatment after a weekend deep-diving into the internet’s herbal abyss. I have met someone who flew to Mexico for “all-natural” cancer cures involving vitamin C drips, green juice and what I can only assume is rebranded pond water. They came back worse, or in some cases, people don’t come back at all.
Then there’s another actual qualified doctor from Macmillan, who says young women are now refusing medical therapies altogether. Why? Because a bloke named Derek with a ring light said turmeric smoothies were the answer. As a doctor he’s understandably miffed. So would you be, if years of training were undermined by someone who believes chemotherapy is some government conspiracy and diagnoses cancer using intuition.
One study found every single TikTok video on prostate cancer was “low or moderate quality.” Which is generous. Personally, I’d file most of it under “complete bollocks.” Even more worrying is that half the people surveyed now distrust scientists. Because obviously, Dr Barry from Oxford can’t compete with @YoniHealingQueen, who once cured her dog’s asthma with moonlight.
At this point, not surprisingly oncologists are waving the white flag. The same doctor said evidence-based medicine has “lost the battlefield.” I’m not surprised. It’s hard to win a war when the other side is armed with hashtags and turmeric.
So let me say this, clearly, your cancer isn’t scared of kale. It’s not hiding from essential oils. It won’t be defeated by positive thinking, reiki or juice fasts. Cancer is a beast. A savage, unrelenting beast that doesn’t care how organic your chia seeds are.
If you’re facing it, use everything. Use chemo. Use surgery. Use proper, hard-fought, peer-reviewed, soul-crushing, life-saving science. Also if you want to hug a goat or chant at a mushroom after that, then go wild. Just don’t bet your life on it.
Because the truth is, miracles do happen. I was given 3 months and I’m still here! But they usually come in the form of a treatment plan and dedicated medical staff; not a bloke in a linen shirt selling apricot kernels from a van.
So please, please, check your sources. Use the NHS. Trust your oncologist, not @WheatgrassWarrior95 on social media. Because if you fall for these fairy tales, it’s not just your wallet that’ll get hurt.
It’s you.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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