So It Is My Parents’ Fault After All
Who Needs Weight Loss Drugs When You’ve Got Seasonal Sperm?
Well isn’t this just great. After a lifetime of calorie counting, running until my nipples bled, and turning down cake like some sort of joyless monk, scientists have now decided that my waistline might actually be the result of… the weather during my conception.
Yes you read that right. Not my poor impulse control. Not the three-year affair I had with Domino’s. But the temperature the night my parents got frisky.
Apparently, if your parents did the horizontal hokey pokey between October and April, you’re more likely to be svelte. Born of frost and long johns? Congratulations! You’re probably rocking a BMI that’s the envy of those poor unfortunate souls conceived during barbecue season.
The study, courtesy of some very clever (and presumably very slim) researchers in Japan, looked at over 350 men. They discovered that winter-conceived individuals have more active brown adipose tissue… that’s a fancy term for a type of fat that burns calories instead of hoarding them like a doomsday prepper. It’s like having a personal trainer built into your body. Must be nice.
As for the rest of us? Well, we were clearly doomed from the moment dad opened a window and said, “It’s too bloody warm for a duvet.”
And here’s the surprise, the average BMI difference was just one point. Just one! But apparently that’s enough to be “meaningful at population scale”; scientist speak for “this will look great on a graph but won’t help you squeeze into your jeans.”
Now, I’ve lost six stone the traditional way. You know, by sweating profusely and heroically pretending I enjoy Mrs G’s salads. So imagine how thrilled I was to learn that someone born with active brown fat just… exists. Like a calorie-burning unicorn who never has to ask, “Is this salad dressing low fat?”
But wait, it gets better.
Scientists think these metabolic superpowers come from “epigenetic changes.” That’s science-code for, your parent’s environment literally rewired your genes while you were still a glint in their eye. One day it’s a romantic winter’s evening; nine months later, it’s a genetically gifted super-skinny baby who burns fat like a log burner on Christmas Eve.
Meanwhile, those of us conceived during sweaty summer nights get gifted with sluggish metabolisms and an inexplicable fondness for ice cream. Cheers, Mum and Dad!
To make it even more dramatic, a German scientist has weighed in, linking all this to climate change. That’s right. Not only is global warming destroying the planet, but it’s apparently messing with sperm too. The theory goes that rising temperatures could mean fewer winter conceptions, which could mean more brown-fat-deficient babies, which could mean… wait for it… a chubbier human race.
So let me get this straight. If your parents got jiggy under a frost-covered roof, you might have a lifelong metabolic advantage. Meanwhile, the rest of us are out here arguing with smart scales and Googling whether hummus counts as a sin.
I mean, who needs Ozempic when all you had to do was be conceived during a cold snap?
It does beg the question, should we be handing out electric blankets and Barry White albums in January? Another service and more expense for the NHS maybe? Are future generations depending on us to get cold and cuddly for the sake of humanity’s waistline?
In any case, I’m adding this to my growing list of “Things I Can Now Blame My Parents For,” right between my bad knees and my inability to enjoy kale.
But don’t worry, fellow summer-spawned sufferers. We may not have been gifted brown fat at conception, but we do have grit, determination, and the ability to say no to pudding (most of the time). And that, my friends, burns more calories than any epigenetic advantage…
Probably.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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