Mr Starmer… really? Our beacon of hope. The man with the plan. And apparently that plan is… if we can’t cut waiting lists the old-fashioned way (you know, by hiring staff or building hospitals), then let’s just fast-track some clinical trials and chuck open the NHS data vaults like it’s Black Friday at a pharmaceutical warehouse.
Yes, while you’re still waiting 14 months to get that dodgy mole checked, the Prime Minister has taken a long hard look at the NHS and thought, “You know what this needs? Less red tape for Big Pharma.” Truly groundbreaking stuff.
In an announcement a week or so ago, that had medical researchers foaming at the stethoscope, our Sir Keir unveiled a plan to slash the time it takes to set up a clinical trial… from 250 days to a mere 150! That’s right, he’s shaving off a whole hundred days of clipboard-wielding, meeting-attending, box-ticking glory. The NHS; now with 40% less bureaucracy (but don’t ask where it’s gone, because it’s probably still in a queue somewhere behind a fax machine).
And how will this miracle occur? By “standardising contracts across health service organisations,” which is political code for “we finally decided to stop using Word 97 and let the trusts talk to each other.”
But that’s not all. Starmer, clearly auditioning for a cameo in a sci-fi reboot, has promised a brand-new health data research service with a tidy little £600 million investment. It’s being set up with the Wellcome Trust; because if you’re going to bet the farm on something, best do it with people who can pronounce “genomic sequencing” without blinking.
Now, this magical data treasure trove will be housed at the Wellcome Genome Campus in Cambridgeshire, which I assume is part research facility, part Bond villain lair. The idea is to streamline how scientists access NHS data… because until now, they’ve had to go on a sort of bureaucratic safari to get anything useful.
Once it’s up and running (late next year, assuming we don’t get derailed by a global conflict, another pandemic, or let’s be honest, a surprise general election), researchers will be able to access anonymised health data via something called a “virtual locked room.” Which sounds reassuring until you remember we’ve barely mastered keeping patient letters from being sent to the wrong address; if they arrive at all… Sad, but true!
Of course concerns have been raised about patient confidentiality. But don’t fret! The Science Minister has promised “robust protections.” Because nothing screams security like a government minister promising something will never go wrong. Ouch…
Now the pharmaceutical industry, long frustrated with the UK’s glacial pace, is understandably giddy. After all, we’ve slipped from being top dog in new medicine availability to a not-so-sparkling ninth in Europe. We’ve also plunged in the number of phase III clinical trials… meaning we’re now losing to countries who can’t even decide what time lunch is.
A Dame, not Edna Everage, from GSK was at Starmer’s side, looking very pleased indeed… probably because this plan essentially says: “Here’s our goldmine of patient data, go forth and innovate!” But she did stress that it’s all about execution “at pace,” which is industry-speak for “don’t let this get buried under another committee.”
Starmer himself was brimming with optimism: “I am determined to make Britain the best place in the world to invest in medical research.” Lovely sentiment. And who needs GPs when we can be the best place to invest?
Look, I adore the NHS. It patched me up, kept me alive, and has given me more appreciation for nurses than I have for croissants (and I really love croissants). But if the grand solution to its current crisis is to become Silicon Valley with stethoscopes, well… I’m a little concerned.
Because while it’s great to be at the forefront of global medical innovation, I’d also quite like to see a GP sometime this year!!!
Is that too much to ask, Keir?
###
Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
----