Stroke for Survival: The Hard Truth About Prostates, Porn and Prevention!
Ejaculating 21 times a month could slash your prostate cancer risk; finally a health regime men will actually stick to.
It’s not often I start a column by applauding a man for spending 18 years watching other blokes pleasure themselves. But here we are. I’d like to extend my sincere thanks to the scientists behind the groundbreaking research on ejaculation and prostate cancer; although I’ll decline to shake their hands…
While trying to eat a croissant the size of a yoga ball and reading the news; I stumbled upon the joyous fact that we’d just celebrated National Orgasm Day. Which is surprising, because I normally have “World Cancer Day”, “International Hodgkin Lymphoma Awareness Week” and “Don’t Google Your Symptoms Thursday” firmly pencilled into my diary. But Orgasm Day? Not even a Facebook notification.
Apparently, science now suggests that if a man ejaculates at least 21 times a month; yes you read that right! A man’s chances of developing prostate cancer drop by a not-insignificant 20%. Which means, for the first time in medical history, teenage boys locked in their bedrooms with the WiFi password and a suspiciously sticky keyboard might actually be considered health pioneers.
I’ve long suspected that my prostate wasn’t just a freeloading walnut-shaped gland squatting under my bladder. Turns out, it’s a rather needy little organ that demands regular attention. Sounds like a houseplant crossed with my cat; ignore it for too long and things take a turn.
The numbers are no laughing matter. According to a sober-faced study published in European Urology, 32,000 men were followed over 18 years; and those who released the hounds regularly fared significantly better than those who treated their tackle like a museum exhibit.
This research has thrown a rather moist wrench into the whole No Nut November trend; that bizarre annual ritual where grown men attempt to repackage repression as self-discipline. These chaps proudly forgo all forms of solo entertainment, smugly announcing their abstinence like it’s a donation to charity. But given the evidence, abstainers might as well be knitting their own funeral suits.
Now, before you start planning a quiet evening with some scented candles and your internet search history set to “incognito,” let’s remember; this isn’t just about having a good time. Ejaculation it seems, helps clear out potential carcinogens from the prostate. Like flushing a dodgy chicken salad through a malfunctioning loo; it’s all about keeping the pipes moving.
Even Harvard has weighed in, with their researchers and the unfortunately named Brigham and Women’s Hospital backing up the benefits of a good old-fashioned gentleman’s timeout. They call it “prostate maintenance.” I call it “not dying unnecessarily.”
Mrs G is now suspicious of every closed bathroom door and 14-minute shower. But in the name of science, I might have to start using phrases like “cancer prevention protocol” and “seminal detoxification routine.” I’ll know if she doesn’t buy it, she’ll stop knocking.
Of course, some men may be struggling to meet the medical quota. To them, I say this, treat your undercarriage like a Peloton subscription. Take it out regularly, give it your full attention and maybe even buy an accessory or two. A sexologist who sounds like she’s moonlighting as a Bond villain, recommends changing rooms for variety. Bedroom getting stale? Try the kitchen. Or the shed. Just be careful near the hedge trimmer.
Still not feeling inspired? The same sexologist suggests prostate stimulation for the more adventurous among you. Apparently, this can lead to full-body orgasms. Though for many men of a certain generation, inserting anything in the wrong direction brings back flashbacks of the school medical and an unfortunate encounter with a cold speculum.
My point here is quite simple. If you’re a man and you’re not prioritising your prostate health, then you’re essentially gambling with a part of your body that helps determine both your pleasure and your plumbing… and the odds aren’t in your favour.
So while I usually end these columns with some empowering sentiment about fibre, friendship or fruit; this time I’ll say this. If your doctor recommends 21 orgasms a month, don’t let her down. I did actually laugh out loud imagining my GP, unfortunately named Dr Bean during my next annual check-up. “How many units of alcohol this week? And how often did you… perform prostate maintenance.?” Every man will be wildly underestimating their drinking and dramatically overestimating their solo sessions. Oh wait, sorry, got those the wrong way round. Easy mistake when you’re trying to sound ‘energetic’ with your trousers on… So treat it like brushing your teeth, only with fewer mirrors and more privacy. Because in a world where prostate cancer kills one man every 45 minutes in the UK, it’s time we started giving our privates the public health campaign they deserve.
Now go forth gentlemen. Stroke for survival. Wank for wellness. Just don’t do it at the bus stop.
###
Tomorrow’s my final column here on Substack, so tissues may be required. No, not for that; this time it’s emotional. Probably.
###
Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
----