Supersize Me… Then Inject Me: The NHS Plan for Pudgy Pre-Teens
Forget football and fruit — today’s health strategy for 12-year-olds involves fewer laps and more lipo-in-a-pen. Because nothing says ‘childhood’ like a weekly jab and a side of guilt.
Deep breath, Geiger. Count to ten and pretend you’re zen. Because what I really want to say would make a sailor faint, crash Ofcom’s profanity detectors, and I’d be writing my next column on a napkin from exile in the dark.
But here goes, the toned-down version.
Apparently, we’re now giving weight loss jabs to children. Yes, children. On the NHS. Weekly injections for 12-year-olds because they’re too overweight to breathe properly when they sleep. And before you ask: no, this isn’t a dystopian episode of Black Mirror. This is actual policy.
Now let me just get this straight. We’ve got a nation of chubby-cheeked teenagers, waddling around like walking doner kebabs, and instead of encouraging them to put down the chicken nuggets and run around a bit, we’re injecting them with appetite suppressants that were originally developed for diabetics. What next? Liposuction booths in school lunch halls?
Forgive me if I sound old-fashioned, but when I was 12, the only injection you got was a tetanus jab after trying to climb a rusty gate. And the only weight you gained was from stuffing your school bag full of bricks for cross-country as a prank.
And let’s not pretend this is all about genetics. Because the only thing little Jimmy inherited from his parents was a deep love of fried chicken, a smartphone addiction, and a complete inability to go more than 12 minutes without a snack.
Yes, there are medical exceptions and no, I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the vast swathes of kids who sit indoors all day, slumped in front of a PlayStation with a burger in one hand and… well let’s just say the other one isn’t holding a textbook.
And what are the parents doing during all this? Probably sat in a drive-thru, inhaling a bargain bucket of chicken with the urgency of a man trying to put out a fire. Because of course they’re bringing their kids to clinics for jabs. They’ve had the jabs themselves. It’s a family tradition now… like Sunday roasts, except with syringes and self-inflicted diabetes.
It makes my blood boil faster than a chip pan at a student flat fry-up… just before it sets the curtains on fire.
Here’s a radical idea… why don’t we try a little thing called parenting? Instead of reaching for a miracle injection, how about you get your kids moving? Chores. Walks. Football. Hell, even national service if that’s what it takes. There’s plenty of grass to cut, litter to pick up and graffiti to remove. It’d keep them busy, tire them out and maybe, just maybe, instill some sense of discipline and self-respect.
Because and here’s the big secret, if a kid doesn’t learn early on that life is not one long all-you-can-eat buffet, they grow into adults who think Deliveroo is a food group and that walking is something you only do when your Uber cancels.
And while I’m on the subject, fine the parents. Yes really. If you can find your genitals long enough to create a child, you can certainly be held responsible for ensuring they don’t end up in a mobility scooter by 17. It’s not hard, cook a vegetable, read a label, turn off the Wi-Fi after midnight.
I’m not saying these injections should never be used. In extreme cases, they clearly help. But we’re hurtling toward a future where kids believe health comes in a pre-filled pen from Boots. Where discipline, exercise and common sense are treated like relics from the Dark Ages… right alongside rationing, dial-up internet and watching TV with the adverts.
So, if you’ve got a teenager who’s heavier than a Fiat Panda, maybe don’t immediately reach for the syringe. Maybe, just maybe, reach for some proper food, a pair of trainers and a little tough love.
Because life isn’t about burgers and magic weight-loss jabs. And frankly neither should childhood be.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to scream into a lettuce.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
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