Swipe Right for a Cure: The NHS App Wants You to Be a Lab Rat
Britain’s new plan to fix cancer, dementia and maybe Aunt Nora’s bunions; starts with a glitchy prescription app and a push notification at 3am. What could possibly go wrong?
Last night I found myself staring at my iPhone, which lately seems to judge me harder than my GP ever has. One minute I’m deleting embarrassing search history (don’t ask), the next I’m reading how this pocket glass rectangle will soon make me Britain’s most eligible lab rat, sorry, clinical research participant.
Yes, dear reader your humble NHS, in its infinite wisdom has decided the future of curing cancer, dementia and possibly your Aunt Nora’s bunions now rests on that same app you use to check if your prescription for indigestion tablets is ready. Some genius has declared the NHS App shall be the digital front door for trials… though if my last prescription notification is any clue, that door sticks more than my old shed.
I’m a man who’s trudged through nearly every cancer treatment known to mankind, from bone marrow transplants to enough chemo to bleach the soul. So the idea of making trials easier to join should thrill me. It does. Sort of. But then the practical bit of my brain, the bit not yet chewed up by hospital coffee and endless waiting rooms, asks; what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently, push notifications will gently nudge you towards a cure; “Hi Chris, fancy trying an experimental injection before your next cuppa?” All delivered with the same charm as an app that once told me my blood test was ‘abnormal’ at 2am, then offered no explanation except ‘Contact your GP (good luck with that)’.
Don’t get me wrong, this ambition has real sparkle. Britain used to lead the pack in research. Now it takes 250 days to set up a trial here; which is roughly the same time it takes my dad to answer his phone. Spain does it in 100 days. Spain! A country famous for three-hour lunches and people actually enjoying life.
Wes Streeting the health secretary with more soundbites than my phone has battery life; promises we’ll fix this with the NHS ten-year plan. In tech speak; they’ll ‘slash red tape’ so my app can match me to trials faster than Tinder can match me to someone who’ll ghost me by Wednesday.
It all sounds wonderful. The NHS App becomes the new Deliveroo for drugs that don’t yet exist. One tap and boom; you’re enrolled in a trial to test a pill that might stop your prostate misbehaving. No paperwork, no nagging GP receptionist telling you to ring back next Thursday at 8.04am exactly. Just pure, frictionless progress.
But if you’ve ever tried to book a flu jab through that same app, you’ll know it’s about as user-friendly as a dating app coded by a vengeful ex. One glitch and you’re looped through endless logins and passwords so fiendish you’d think MI5 was protecting your hayfever prescription.
So yes, I applaud the ambition. I’ll even update the app (after deleting old photos of bread I baked). But I can’t help suspecting this digital saviour might send me a trial invite for male pattern baldness just as I’m lining up for a colonoscopy. Because like every other iPhone app in my life, it probably knows too much about me; and uses that knowledge in all the wrong ways.
Still, Britain does need to get back in the research game. If an app gets more people volunteering for trials that could help crack cancer or untangle dementia’s knotted wires, then sign me up twice. Better a clunky app than another dusty leaflet pinned to a GP noticeboard behind a half-dead spider plant.
Here’s my nudge to you dear reader, when that notification pings at 3am, don’t swipe it away like another pizza voucher. Read it. Think about it. You could help build the future. Or at the very least, make your own diagnosis less dependent on Dr Google at midnight.
So let’s do what we Brits do best, grumble, moan, hit ‘Accept’ and quietly change the world from the comfort of our sofas. After all, curing cancer? There’s an app for that too. Probably.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
Bsky: @dailydoseofdisbelief.com
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