The Cure for NHS Delays?
Apparently, It's Just Giving Up and Paying Someone Else!
Ah, the NHS, our cherished institution where hope takes a number, fills out a form, and settles in for a long wait… and wait. As a card-carrying cancer survivor, I've spent more time in NHS waiting rooms than on holiday. So imagine my delight upon hearing the grand plan; they're going to double their efforts to cut waiting lists! Yes, when you're already crawling at a glacial pace, the obvious fix is to add another glacier to the race!
Apparently halving the Everest of unmet appointments is now considered a bold success. Who knew mediocrity was the new excellence? And let's not forget the white knights of this saga… private hospitals… who've graciously announced 80,000 "free slots" a month, like it's Black Friday for biopsies. Nothing screams compassion like commercial healthcare coming to the rescue, right?
Sir Keir Starmer, bless him, has been practically dislocating his own shoulder from all the back-patting over "five months of improvements." A drop of 43,000 patients per month from waiting lists? Hold my IV drip, where's the champagne? If this trend continues, I reckon I'll be seen by the time I hit 80. Possibly... Assuming the stars align and Mercury isn't in retrograde.
Now in a dazzling feat of policy gymnastics, the NHS has had a sudden epiphany; maybe slashing budgets and expecting results wasn't the genius plan they thought it was. Shocking I know. So in a move of staggering originality, they've decided to throw more money at the private sector by scrapping the payment cap; because clearly, the cure for delays is just to… keep writing cheques. Unlimited appointments? Sure why not? It's only the taxpayers money; just add it to the tab next to the broken MRI machine.
Sir Jim Mackey, the new NHS overlord… I mean director… I’ve not met him, but I’ve not met my GP either… I digress... Sir Jim Mackey is now hoping private providers will play nice again and help tackle waiting lists, provided they're given the freedom to charge whatever they fancy. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when a public health service starts relying on profit-driven institutions to deliver care?
Meanwhile, actual NHS trusts are looking around and whispering, "Wait, so we're giving away the cash we don't have while being told to hit targets that defy basic physics?" But hey, who needs logic when you've got PowerPoint presentations and government spin doctors?
For those of us who've battled cancer, endured endless scans, biopsies, blood tests, and enough waiting to make a monk lose patience, this latest NHS strategy feels like watching someone put a sticking plaster on a volcano. Sure, it's technically something, but it's not exactly reassuring.
Still, silver linings and all that. At least we can now choose whether to wait three months in an NHS queue or two and a half in a plush private clinic, assuming we don't mind paying... or the government covers the tab in one of its more generous moods.
So chin up folks... Progress is coming... Very slowly... Possibly by second-class post. But in the meantime, grab a seat (you'll be there a while), and try not to laugh too hard when they call this a "success story." After all, laughter is the best medicine… right after a timely diagnosis.
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Chris Geiger, Author of The Cancer Survivors Club.
Daily Dose of Disbelief!
Bsky: @chrisgeiger.com
Bsky: @thecancersurvivorsclub.com
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